the show must go on

Fast forward two years.... and things have changed.

I was sitting still this evening with no laundry to do, cleaning that can wait another day, boxes finally unpacked, dishes done, and feeling very melancholy.

So this is why I'm blogging again. Because I'm bored. I should be calling my friends/family and catching up on news. Instead, I'm doing a little self-reflection which can't hurt.

I got married and graduated from grad school this summer. That is probably what is adding to my sense of restlessness. When you're going to school, there is a clear-cut path. You take these classes to earn those credits to get that degree. I can't believe I actually miss that, but I guess it was bound to happen. Masters degree #2 is not in the future. Nope, not happening.

Planning for a wedding is similar to going to school, in a way. There's a deadline. There's a list of expectations. There are thank yous to write, gifts to put away, flowers to pick, people to invite, lists galore, itineraries, and just a ton of drama. Now its done. Which is nice...but I liked having something really exciting to look forward too.

Which brings us to the next word that pops into your head...

Baby.

Yep, that's on my mind now. In a strange, gross, weird way. Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. But the problem is that I still feel like a 12 year old. But, honestly, I'm not 12 anymore.

Maybe I thought that after finishing school and getting married I would finally have it together. Silly me.

My job sucks because I have such a negative attitude. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. I'm fun enough. I know what I'm doing. I care. This is my mantra. This is my mission statement. They would be worse off without me...I think.

i'm amazed at how my ambition to pay attention in this 3 hour music history class seem to dwindle so quickly once i notice there is only one hour left.
mozart and beethoven tonight. we've worked on 30 chapters in 5 classes. it seems like every other phrase she uses is, "but we have to move on for time's sake."

my fellow classmate just muttered "make it stop" hmmmmm. i feel exactly the same way.

this is a sprint... not a marathon. 2 classes more and i'll totally be a music history genius. haha. not. i'm blogging and "listening" to a discussion on motivic unity of beethoven's something or other. :)

i'm totally pumped for the 20th century stuff. our teacher is a viola teacher. yeah. viola. she's pretty cool. i hope she likes sprechstimme.

my classroom was 85 degrees today. the heat really drains me.

josh went to sleep at 6:30 this morning. weirdo. i hope he enjoys teaching his 3 hour summer class tomorrow. if only it was in the morning instead of the afternoon...am i a mean girlfriend... or just a passively jealous girlfriend?

i need to start listening again. my classmate just asked me a question.... c sharp whatchamacallit?? huh? oh yeah.
classmate: "go beethoven" yeah..his form is crazy super awesome.

this is painful.

i taught 5 bands today, managed to loose my voice and find it again, biked 10 miles while battling bronchitis, made margaritas, did the dishes from last night, grew a pair and finally stood up for myself at work... in the form of an overly-sensitive/pathetic email, chatted over lunch with my best gal-pal, figured out what my assignments are for my grad class.... but didn't do my homework, emailed my mom back(which never happens), and sent a cute text to my boyfriend (which after how i've acted the past few days, is pretty amazing).

yesterday, i cried on the couch for about an hour. then i moved to the bed and cried some more. and then i slept. sometimes you just need to cry. and sometimes you just need a hug.

being a grown-up doesn't agree with me. i feel frazzled. thankfully i have a 4 day weekend so close i can taste it.

one awesome thing i found out today is that the may term that i co-teach with my choir teacher friend is full of excellent, insightful students. most of them are kids from band. i'm totally pumped to teach about the beatles to these kids.

the weather is brightening my mood.

I just finished reading a chapter on the history of music education from the ancient greeks to the fall of the singing schools in America in the 1800s (this is when music was included in the public schools). I wrote 5 pages of notes. I feel as though I just had some sort of time travel experience. Thankfully, I was able to take many breaks for diet soda and PR pizza. I can't stay focused anymore.

I just got the Killers new album. So far I really like it.

Communication is so important in a relationship. I noticed this all week when Josh and I weren't really communicating very well. We talked about it last night. I'm happy we are cool about talking about issues- although, he isn't super great at being serious when we discuss our feelings. Whatever, I don't mind. He puts up with my crap.

So I asked him the other day when he thinks our anniversary is. Its kind of difficult to determine since I'm bad at keeping a journal and we had a weird couple of weeks at the beginning of our relationship. Anyway, he didn't know (i don't believe him!) and he said that anniversaries don't count until people are married. Well, that didn't really shake me. Eventually he said that I could just pick a day, so, I picked May 10th. I'm not sure exactly why and maybe it will change. It could also be May 25th or May 30th. I think i will stick with dates divisible by 5..... :)

A couple more weeks until Thanksgiving. I'm so ready to have a few days off. Not that I don't enjoy my weekends- they just seem to be busy and short. So very sort. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. That tends to ruin the rest of the weekend. I took a nap this afternoon and that helped. Coffee would probably help too, i suppose.

A few more hours of freedom until monday creeps around and shows it's ugly face. I have 5 bands and 3 hours of grad class tomorrow. Think positively, life will go on, tuesday will come, it won't be that bad, no one expects much on a monday.....

i'm writing my philosophy of music education paper.... again. so far, my grad class is going well. i'm terrible at joining in on the class discussions.... besides that, all of my lessons and papers have been "competent."

and then came the philosophy of music education paper....
you would think that writing this type of paper would be simple. i need to be able to speak clearly why i think music edu. is important. it just isn't always easy. i have some thoughts down but nothing crazy-awesome. oh well. it will come. i need to spend a few more days thinking before i continue writing.

josh wants to take me on in a scrabble challenge. bring it, boy. i'm not terrible at the game... unfortunately, he is competitive and has all of those crazy gre words up his sleeve. but, i reminded him that he took the gre like forty years ago.... okay, actually 5. he reminded me that he dominated the gre in spite of the fact that he was completely smashed from the night before. jerk. crazy smart (cute) jerk.

i have one more marching band performance to be at this year. my band received 1st place at a local competition and received a division 1 rating at contest. i was proud of their progress and i think they did a great job. i'm pumped for concert band to start. i'm so excited to get inside and make some music! hopefully they will bring the energy they have on the field inside. i have to keep my energy up and enthusiasm up. it tends to be contagious. i've been sick a few days this week. i need to get better so i can go back to school tomorrow.

so, tonight i start my first continuing education class/graduate class. i'm taking "foundations of music education" so you know it's going to be hella awesome. the class is presented over a network system with video and mics so people all over iowa are taking the class with me. the class is offered from UNI. i'm kind of nervous but i think it will be totally worth it. josh, the college professor wonder-boy i call my boyfriend, informed me that since my class is 3 hours each week i should be studying 6 hours to prep for the class. hmmm. i know i've matured quite a bit from my undergraduate days but.... 6 hours isn't going to happen. anyway, i'm looking forward to learning the art of teaching music and different methods/strategies i can use now.

i'm taking josh home this weekend to visit my family for the first time. i thought i would be super nervous about it but i'm actually really excited for them to meet him. we don't have a ton a plans but i know my siblings will want to take us out. i'm looking forward to showing him around my hometown. he will have the chance to see me in my natural habitat. :)

kamryn is walking now and i'm sooooooooo excited to see her. i'm such a proud auntie! i'm hoping to get the chance to babysit a little this weekend. she is such a cutie!!

i went to a 40th anniversary of woodstock party at my favorite bar on thursday night. there was plenty of accoustic guitar, mandolin, and bongo music throughout the entire evening. there was also quite a bit of tie dye and flowers. i completely fit in here. they served free rice and pb & j sandwiches (apparently concert goers ate these foods). thankfully, there was no mud... the music was played indoors. i live in a strangely wonderful town. it's funny how things can change on you. so much is different about my life/enviroment from last year. i like it.

the boy is out of town this weekend so i'm enjoying some "me" time as well as hanging with some friends. i'm actually going to a minor league football game with some friends tonight. i think we are probably going to hit up every bar along the way. i'm glad i don't have to be the dd. i think it might rain....

josh moves on tuesday into his house. i'm excited to see it. his mom asked me to help clean/move but josh said all i need to do is make sure the fridge is properly stocked with beer and malibu (my fav). his mom and i work all day tuesday so i have a feeling josh will be on his own for most of the heavy lifting. it's going to be a crazy week.

i've been reading quite a lot this summer. some of my favorite books i've read are:
amsterdam by ian mcewan
atonement by ian mcewan
the story of edgar sawtelle by david wroblewski (absolutely amazing.... read it!)
host family by mameve medwed
crow lake by mary lawson
the heart is a lonely hunter by carson mccullers (one of my favs of all time... read it!)
one hundered years of solitude by gabriel garcia marquez
gap creek by robert morgan
the reader by bernhard schlink
white oleander by janet fitch
the pilot's wife by anita shreve
timequake by kurt vonnegut
slaughterhouse five by kurt vonnegut
the family orchard by nomi eve
cold mountain by charles frazier

right now i'm reading:
as i lay dying by william faulkner
so far so good. i want to read light in august or sanctuary by him as well.
i also want to read kill two birds and get stoned by kinky friedman and stephen colbert's book but i don't think my local library has those....

i had a lot of time on my hands this summer. i think reading was a postive way to spend my afternoons...evenings... and mornings. school is really going to hinder my reading time. :)